Original Message 1/22                 Date: 08-Aug-08  @  12:22 AM   -   Joketime

sitar

Posts: 3872

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Hey DT! Long time! Hope everyone is well. Just heard this one the other day:

A husband and wife are taking a tour of a beef ranch. The rancher brings them over to a bull and tells them, "This bull mates 182 times a year". The wife turns to her husband and says "Wow hun that's twice a week. Impressive bull don't you think?"

The rancher then points to another and says, "That bull over there mates 3 times a week and the one over yonder mates 5 times a week". The wife turns to her husband again and says "Maybe you could learn a thing or two from that bull dear".

The husband turns to his wife and replies, "Why don't you ask our guide if that bull is mating 5 times a week with the same old cow".

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Message 2/22                 Date: 12-Aug-08  @  11:07 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

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yay Sitar!! nice to see you dude

heh heh, isnt that based on a true story about Roosevelt?

He was visiting farms and other working folk as a booster to the nation, and the farmer said the rooster mates several hundred times a day, his wife said "Did you hear that dear? 100 times a day!"

"yes", says the farmer... "but never twice with the same hen"

lol, true story apparently

i heard that Liverpool Iraqi striker joke in Cornwall in the local paper's 'Joke Corner'

good joke cos it can be modified to any city you like:



The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and raped and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"


drrrrrrrrrrrrr-tish!

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 3/22                 Date: 20-Aug-08  @  07:45 AM   -   RE: Joketime

nme

Posts: 316

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............another old one for you.

Guy goes to watch his team play at Anfield & parks his brand new range rover in the surrounding streets.

He is approached by a young scally who says, "Mr gis a £1 an ill look after ya car for your while your at the game"

The man turns to the kid & says, "no thanks, thats ok, I have a german sheppard in the back"

the scally replies "yeah, any good at putting out fires is it?"

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Message 4/22                 Date: 27-Aug-08  @  04:33 PM     Edit: 27-Aug-08  |  04:40 PM   -   RE: Joketime

softcore

Posts: 73

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KK Its been a long time since I ve logged in here so ill make up with a rather long joke.....


This guy got a "huge" sexual problem .....You see his ermmm "tool" is 40 inches long so he cant find a sexual partener-as soon as the women see its size they re all scared away!!!So he goes to a doctor and the doctor examins him and replies:
"My friend,unfortunately your problem cannot be solved by surgery!!!BUT there is a possibility of solving it!!You have to go to africa and find a rare species of frogs!When you find one of em,ask em to have sex with em and if the frog denies then your "tool" will be shortened by 10 inches"
Desperate as the guy was,goes to Africa to find the afforenmentioned frog!!After months of searching he does indeed find one of them so he says to the frog:
"hey frog,can i have sex with you?"
"No" replies the frog!! Whoomp,the guy's tool gets shortened by 10 inches!!The guy doesthe math and figures its still very long so he asks again
"Oh please frog,can i have sex with you?"
"no,man" replies the frog and whoomp another 10 inches are off his tool!!So th eguy figures "hmmm 40 minus 20 inches is still too long ,i might as well ask again to get it down to anormal 10 inches size" so he asks again:
"Oh cmoonnnnnn frog,lemme have sex with ya,will ya?"
and the frog replies:
"Man,how many times to I have to say it to you? NO,NO,NO"

............

By the way and sorry for being off-topic whats ermmm this hook-ups thing besides my profile?Is this something like the "friends" of myspace?

EDIT no2: and i just notice my homepage (7161.com/~softcore) is not working -is this related to the site's renewal?

cheers

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Message 5/22                 Date: 28-Aug-08  @  01:46 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

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lol, heh heh

um, the hookups, is a new version of the old artist-basket - yes like myspace fwends

homepages r still switched off until we can get to that - gotta launch new DT soon, sorry

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 6/22                 Date: 28-Aug-08  @  08:00 PM   -   RE: Joketime

softcore

Posts: 73

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Ah ok!!Thanks for the clarification!!!!I thought as much but I saw some other members' homepages work so I thought there was a problem with mine only!!

Oh and of course,no need to say sorry!!!Thanks again!!!

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Message 7/22                 Date: 31-Aug-08  @  01:47 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

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almost there, had a break recently due to going stir crazy, but a big push over last week plus stayed in all weekend and it's almost there.

before we can open dt we need a big old server clean up tho, there's like 3 versions of DT on the server, lol, anyways it's gettin there.

btw, anyone catch that Santogold at all? i had the tv on background-monitoring and she came on bbc reading footage doing L.E.S Artistes, f*ckin love that track!.. but... tell me it's not a good old rip of The Police's 'So Lonely'

i'm a sucker for any dubby-ambient rock tho, not as keen on the rest of her album tbh tho, but there's some great electronic tracks on it, it's a bit of a mish mash album, a bit of everything - anyone like her stuff? they are sold out for camden on wednesday, i might go down and try and cadge a ticket

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 8/22                 Date: 01-Sep-08  @  12:51 AM     Edit: 01-Sep-08  |  12:54 AM   -   RE: Joketime

softcore

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....I looked her up after you mentioning her.......found her myspace page.....nice tunes.....i also liked that LES artistes too and her other tunes not bad either.....



............sorryyyyyyyy!!!!......Cant tell ya that!!!!

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Message 9/22                 Date: 01-Sep-08  @  03:44 PM     Edit: 01-Sep-08  |  03:56 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

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ACF16A7.mp3

hope the riaa dont drag my family away and sell them into slavery as punishment

but here's the live version of 'L.E.S Artiste' which i stripped from some bbc reading festival footage - ran it thru a tad of sony oxford buss compression and a tad of oxford eq just to spice it up

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 10/22                 Date: 02-Sep-08  @  05:01 AM   -   RE: Joketime

nme

Posts: 316

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First time Ive heard this band, and I dig this track, cool.

Heres a link to there vid for L.E.S. Artists from Youtube.

L.E.S Artists

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Message 11/22                 Date: 02-Sep-08  @  01:17 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

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heh

the footage from reading was so good. I downloaded it using the bbc iplayer, i tried, beleive me, to rip that edit, but the drm is stopping everything. I even tried screen recording the monitor while the video was playing... nope, they found a way to also stop that dammit!!

someone managed it tho - I spose i could stream it across to
another machine and record the input, but i'm too busy finishing the nue DT



she's playing tomorrow in london but it's sold out of course, tickets are 50-60 quid a pair on ebay & gumtree.

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 12/22                 Date: 17-Oct-08  @  02:55 AM   -   RE: Joketime

sitar

Posts: 3872

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WoW...Hi K and everyone!!!

How are you doing m8? Yeah it's been a long time. 2 nights ago I was telling someone stories of dancetech.com.

I posted that joke months ago but I never saw it go up. I posted a few places and none of the posts showed.

Some of the stuff I wrote wasn't all that horrible after all

Anyway, thinking about all of you. I actually wanted to download 1 track I did because I lost it somehow. lol all these years and it's still tough being me. I can't get to my admin page. I guess you're remodeling. Site looks good K and still not bogged down which is sweet. I do miss the old skin but moving on is a good thing too.

I hope everyone is well. I imagine I'll be popping in more often again.  

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Message 13/22                 Date: 25-Oct-08  @  08:42 PM   -   RE: Joketime

admin

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heh, love this advert

___________________________________

"In other countries, art and literature are left to a lot of shabby bums living in attics and feeding on booze and spaghetti, but in America the successful writer or picture-painter is indistinguishable from any other decent business man!" - Babbit

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Message 14/22                 Date: 25-Oct-08  @  08:45 PM   -   RE: Joketime

admin

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hehe

___________________________________

"In other countries, art and literature are left to a lot of shabby bums living in attics and feeding on booze and spaghetti, but in America the successful writer or picture-painter is indistinguishable from any other decent business man!" - Babbit

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Message 15/22                 Date: 25-Oct-08  @  08:57 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

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Hey Sitar... we have this show in Uk called have i got news for you.... here's one - they have a guest presenter each week after the usual presenter got caught with a hooker and coke (wasnt it that?) - anyways he was booted, so guests present the show which usualy works great.

this one was presented by Brian Blessed, a royal shakespeare actor (you've seen him in films like robin hood prince of theives), and he's renowned for talking loud and doing roaring classic shakespeare voice... this was a great episode

ok.... here ya go, dunno if you find it funny

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 16/22                 Date: 05-Nov-08  @  06:13 PM     Edit: 05-Nov-08  |  06:15 PM   -   RE: Joketime

sitar

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lol. unfortunately I only have time to watch the first 1 but yeah i recognize him and his name.
this is
funny!!!

well and the 2nd 1 lol!

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Message 17/22                 Date: 13-Nov-08  @  04:51 AM   -   RE: Joketime

sitar

Posts: 3872

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A chick having a drink overheard a guy standing at the bar with a great dane tell the bartender that
his dog loves to shag women. When the guy left the bar the chick followed him out and caught up
with him. She told him she's always wanted to try sex with a dog and asked if it would be possible.
He said sure. They went to his house and in the bedroom the guy said "ok undress and get on all
4s". She did just that. The guy turned to his dog and said "ok rex, jump!" The dog stood there
looking around. Again the guy said "rex, jump!" The dog just stood there. "REX!!! JUMP DAMN IT".
Rex didn't budge so the guy dropped his drawers, got behind the woman and said, "ok rex but this
is the last time i'm showing you how to do this!"

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Message 18/22                 Date: 14-Nov-08  @  02:05 PM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

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heh heh

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 19/22                 Date: 16-Nov-08  @  11:31 AM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

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heh, this gu's quite good, subtle, but funny

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 20/22                 Date: 16-Nov-08  @  11:40 AM   -   RE: Joketime

k

Posts: 12353

Link?: Link

File?:  No file

___________________________________

I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!

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Message 21/22                 Date: 23-Nov-08  @  03:48 AM   -   RE: Joketime

sitar

Posts: 3872

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LOL!

Hey K i finally wrote a track after how many years? Check it out if you have a little over 7 minutes.
It's called "10x Zero". It's actually not bad lol.

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Message 22/22                 Date: 10-Mar-09  @  06:47 PM   -   RE: Joketime

sitar

Posts: 3872

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year
old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you
say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he
replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then
comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"


Darren was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't
find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Darren looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."


A man wakes up one morning to find a bear onhis roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure
enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers". He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll
be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do"? The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off
the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

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