If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
***
An old man was sitting on a bench at the local shopping center.
A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
***
Two buddies, Bob and Jim, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jim throws up all over himself. "Oh no. Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Dont worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Jim stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My god, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jim says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one to many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for thecleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."
"Oh yeah....I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
***
Bob was walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. Bob
says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. Bob
turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" Bob asks
again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So Bob
runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me
bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it
for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not
here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they went to that alley and she takes off the
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as Bob
sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them,
kissing them, burying his face in them... but no biting. In the end
the woman gets all annoyed and asks:
"Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah", Bob replies. "Too expensive."
***
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!?" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month." he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical
and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to
perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone !"