I happened to catch Mike Reid on Men & Motahs.... yeah yeah ok..
he was saying about shagging his wife for the first time and how fat she is....
"So i climb up on this fackin great mound of flesh.. (does climbing up something huge actions).. I says to 'er, I says... do you mind if i ave the light ahht?... she says; why, are you shy?... I says... Nah love, me fackin arse is getting burnt by the fackin ceiling lightbulb!!
drrrrrrr tish
its' the way he tells them
i also saw Jimmy Jones on M&M and he did this one about:
Some guy who wons a few venues hears this amazing piano player somewhere unexpected while he's out and about, so he says;
"Your playing is amazing!, you've got come and play at my piano bar/restaurant, whats that song called?"...
The guy says; "It's called:... 'I fucked your father, I fucked your mother & i fucked your sister too!'...."
the promoter is shocked,. "You cant call a song that!!!!!!... it's so beautiful when you play it, like an angel, you cant call a song THAT!!..."
the guy says; "Yeah well i'm a bit fackin touched, it fackin comes with the playing like a fackin opposite side y'know"...
and he plays another beautiful tune and again the promoter is amazed...
"Oooh when you play it's like an angel singing, whats that one called?"
The guys says something again totaly fucked up like: "Your granny shags donkeys and your sister does too'...!!!... Totaly obscene...
and so on and so forth with each song, the title of each gorgeous tune is inevitably revoltingly aweful.... The promoter thinks and says.
"Look if your gonna play at my place we'd better thing of something round this, cos what if someone asks you the name of a song ?...or when you introduce a song!?.... I tell you what..."
and he writes lots of made-up 'nice' titles on a big sheet of paper and says:
"ok, if anyone asks, or when you want to introduce a song, simply look over at this sheet, which'll be just out of site of the audience where you can see it, and just choose ANY title from this list and we'll be ok!
So the night of the gig before the doors open, the guy's warming up at the piano... He starts to play and he's TOTALY SHIT!!!!!!!... can't play hardly at all, and the promoter shits himself cos he's going to look stupid... so he says:
"What the fuck is up with you?... you played beautiful before, like an angel singing!!!, whats with this!?"
The guy says, "Well i told you i was a bit touched, the madness comes with the angelic playing an all that... thing is, i realy need a bloody good wank before i play or I play like shite!... sorry that's the only way!"...
So the boss says, "Fuck's sake!... well you'd better go off and have a wank in the bogs then!"
so the pianist scuttles off to the bogs.... comes back... sits down and is about to play, when the promoter looks down and says.
"ere!... do you know your cock's hanging out of your flies and there's spunk all down your trouser leg!!!!!!!!?..."
The guys says: "Know it!... I FACKIN WROTE IT!!!"
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I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!