Message 49/52
Date: 27-Mar-03 @ 01:48 PM -
RE: Duct Tape and Plastic Sheeting
“I saw Tom Ridge on television,” Steven Bosell told reporters outside his home in Corona, California, “telling us that all citizens should go out and stock up on duct tape and plastic, in case of terrorist attack. I’m a patriot, so I went straight down to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape and some plastic sheeting, to protect my house from radiation.
“As soon as I got home, I taped up the doors and windows, but then I did some thinking. I realised that if survivors like myself are going to reproduce and repopulate the earth after a biological attack, then we have to protect our private parts as well. So I used my last roll of duct tape to wrap up my privates, leaving just a little hole at the end for toilet functions.
“A few days later, the Department of Homeland Security told us that the alert was over, and that we could remove the duct tape. But when I tried to peel the tape off my privates, skin and body hair began peeling off too. I injured myself badly, and there was blood everywhere. The pain was so bad that I called an ambulance, and was taken to hospital, where the tape was eventually removed, though not without further serious injuries to my privates.
“When I explained what I’d done, the doctors and nurses laughed at me, and went out of their way to make me feel like a fool. But the people I really blame are the government, because Mr Ridge made me do this. And President Bush is equally liable for injury to my reproductive future, because he hired Mr Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security, which gave the nation bad advice. That’s why I have filed a lawsuit against Mr Ridge, the Department, and the President, claiming compensation for emotional distress, personal injury, and sexual dysfunction.”
The Bush Administration has so far refused to comment. (The Corona Times, 13/2/03. Spotter: Andy Ross)