and now for something completely different:
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Holiday eating tips:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas
spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even more rare than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with
an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the time for long naps, which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8 Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all costs, I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Remember this:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOOOOO HOOOOOO, what a ride!"